Yeah...I breezed through chemo treatment today (once it got started). I was an emotional wreck leading up to it. Dan says I became edgy and irritable last night and he should have known why, but did not make the connection. We were sitting in the exam room awaiting Dr. AJ and Dan asked me, "Where are you at today? What is your deal?" Tears immediately began streaming and I just shook my head and said, "This is not my most favorite place to be!" Nurse April came in and wanted to ensure I was not crying because of "this place", but I told her I was. She said Dr. AJ doesn't necessarily agree with her, but she has witnessed young ladies and the effect on the hormones. Well, I can tell you...mine are out-of-whack!
Dr. AJ examined the cluster today and Dan and I both told him if he had been able to do so late last week, we think he would have been excited, but today seems like it is back to normal size again. He agreed that was possible and gave a medical explanation using scarring that neither Dan nor I grasped. But the main thing he shared was I had only been through one Taxol treatment and we have several more to go. So, stay tuned and we'll see what happens.
Dr. AJ was nearly ready to leave the exam room and asked if I had a stuffy nose and if I was sick. I told him it was from crying. He asked, "From WHAT?!?" And I simply replied, "You heard me!" So, he talked with us for several minutes. I am wired for RESULTS. When I work, when I play...I am all about results. And I am not convinced I am getting the results I had expected. He reminded me there are 3 things we are dealing with in my breast...invasive cancer that has reached the lymph nodes, DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ...cancer contained inside the milk duct wall), and calcifications. In the beginning, the first biopsy of the breast resulted only in DCIS and if that had been the only biopsy, they would have done surgery first and then chemo if necessary, then radiation. The reason because the chemo attacks fast growing, easy-to-get-to cells. The cancer inside the milk duct are slow growing and contained, so the chemo has little effect on DCIS. The size of the cluster that I can still feel, may be the DCIS and the calcifications. Dr. AJ is convinced the chemo is doing its job on the invasive cancer like it is supposed to. He ended the conversation with a challenge, "Where is that tough, spirited, girl who came to me at the beginning of this? I want her back!" I don't know if you know me well or not, but I love challenges!!
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Mary, your post almost made me cry. It brought back memories of my "fight" 20 years ago. I wonder if men will ever understand the affect hormones have on a woman. Yours are definitely out of whack. Chemo does such funny things to the hormones. It is okay to cry. It is not only good for the body it is good for the soul. Also,it is okay to always try to be strong but sometimes you just have to know it is okay to be down. That doesn't mean you aren't going to continue to fight and win this battle. Just know that I pray for you, Dan, and the little ones often and love you lots. Aunt Liz
ReplyDeleteYou are right Aunt Liz, it is ok to cry & it is ok to be down sometimes, that doesn't mean you are giving up, I'm sure your hormones are out of whack, for gosh sakes they are putting poison in your body! You are doing an AMAZING job, I am very proud of you & I know you are going to kick the beast butt! Don't ever give up and please let us help you through the tough times. To this day, I still cry myself to sleep some nights, David thinks I think to much, what do you think?? I wish I could tell you when this is over and you have KO the beast that everything will be just fine, but there will still be some days that you will cry because of all you have been through, that is when you have to remember all we are thankful for and PRAY! Fr. Emil Kapaun please KO the Beast and heal my Baby Sis COMPLETELY, AMEN! I Love you to the Moon and Back, Your Favorite Sis
ReplyDeleteI cry myself to sleep some nights and I'm not going through the fight... just trying to help others fight. I always tell people the unknown is always the worst and I'm sure not knowing how things are going inside is frustrating. BUT keep your faith that the medications are doing their job and know that there are many other gloves your doctors can give you to help fight the beast. My daddy always said it's not fair that women have to go through so many emotions and he was going to tell God it wasn't fair when he got to heaven... I'm sure he's pled the case for all of us :)
ReplyDeleteI love you lots and say prayers for you, Dan, and the kids often.
Love, Doc
Thanks for sharing what Dr AJ shared with you yesterday. I had forgotten about the three different things you are fighting in there and that the chemo wasn't going to attack the DCIS. Makes complete sense. I'm so glad you have caring doctors and nurses willing to take the time to explain things! Hang in there, it's a marathon. Love you lots, sending hugs... Kellie, Dave, Maddie, Aidan, and Ethan
ReplyDeleteHi Mary,
ReplyDeleteI echo what your Aunt Liz and sister said...the hormaonal changes and chemo effects are so much different for women, and men don't fully understand (even doctors) because they have never experienced from a woman's point of view. You are an amazing woman, and I know you will win this battle. Hugs to you and Dan and your little ones too.
with love, Sharon
HI Mary,
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough deal, but you can do it. Please hang in there one day at a time. I know what you are going thru, but try to stay positive, you will beat this thing! Thinking of you and praying for you.
Sue
Hang in there, Mary. We're with you with prayers. When talking with my onconlogist's nurse I remember crying/complaining and wishing I could stop the chemo. Then when I tried to apologize for it she told me I had every right to cry and complain. So go ahead and cry and complain. You have the right to do it. You will get through this because you have a goal and have some very important little ones who make it completely worth it. Remember to give it all over to God. He is with you all the way. We're also with you with prayers and best wishes. Jane
ReplyDeleteYou are filled with strength, faith, and love. You will get your KO so you can spend the rest of your years caring for Dan and the kids!! We have witnessed an amazing fight and with the "Henry Stubborn" you will never throw in the towel!! Teaching the kids brought on many tears over the years so I would play a song for them. "It's alright to cry." Crying washes all the sad out of you...Crying makes you feel better!! It is a great song!! If I were there, I would be over to play it for you. Keep your dukes up, and we'll beat this beast one punch at a time. We love you so much and keep you in prayer. You were first on my prayer list on Monday night, the kids and I lit a candle for you last night and prayed for the cure. I am just blown away by the way you have handled everything and admire you so much. Fr Emil Kapaun please heal Mary completely. Amen XXXOOOXXX Love Aunt jo
ReplyDeleteMary, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Very good of Dan to ask most would not want to go there, but he is in this fight with you, Praise God for that. This brings back so many memories of my mom fighting her lung cancer and the poison in her system. I will cry with you, know that it is okay. Cry, laugh, fight and fight hard. Give it to God and he will bring you peace. Praying without ceasing. God Bless you and your family,
ReplyDeleteThe Bracken's
Mary, you are awesome. I am praying for you and your family. Stay strong. I am running in the morning for YOU here in DM for the huge breast cancer fight! Love you. Jamie Seiler (Kellie's friend)
ReplyDeleteMary, I have never gone through anything like this but I know you are a fabulous, strong beautiful person (inside and out) with phenomenal support. I have always admired your strength, spunkiness and talents! You fight like Hell and know that we are all supporting you in our thoughts and prayers!!
ReplyDelete