Sunday, August 1, 2010

To Hell and Back...And Back AGAIN!!!

No! No! No! All in a year's time...to hell and back! And NO! I do not want to go back again!

I was pumped up for July 24, 2010, the one year anniversary of my initial mammogram and diagnosis. I spent the day at Lake Viking with a Best Friend from high school and our families. I had warned her we were celebrating and drinking lots of champagne. We had an eventful weekend at the lake and enjoyed every minute of it.

I am still utterly amazed to think of everything we went through in just a short year. I am so thankful to have a head full of curly hair, to have my health, to have my family and friends, and to have my job. Last fall I received a card from my sister's friend and she shared that her husband's battle was now but a faint memory. I was beginning to think that maybe some day this would all be a faint memory. Then...

July 28, 2010. I be-bopped into the mammography room with not a care in the world...feeling great and looking healthy. Ready for my first, routine, annual mammo...ready for my first cancer-free mammo. Tonight, as I sit here "in a fog", shaking my head "no", I still cannot believe her words..."how much do you want to know today?!?" "NO! NO! NO!", was my internal response. Immediately, I felt the life get sucked out of me. I don't know how well you know me, but I wanted the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. I got just that.

The mammogram report reads...There is a persistent collection of calcifications medially in the left breast possibly 3.8 X 2cm in the CC projection and in the ML projection 4cm in length. These were present before and persist. In addition, there are some linear calcifications just deep to the nipple. IMPRESSION: BIRADS 5, highly suggestive of malignancy. This is a residual appearance post lumpectomy. From the distribution of the extensive calcifications I do not think the patient is and may not have been a lumpectomy candidate.

I am still having difficulty understanding. My heart says its ok, its a false alarm and my brain says the expertise of the Radiologist is hard to deny and my gut says %#*@!!! After they shared the results of the mammogram, I immediately called Dr. AJ, my trusted chemo doctor! He called me back and when I answered the phone, he said, "Mary Collins. Slow-down, take it easy, we know nothing for certain." AJ had talked to the radiologist that read the mammogram and shared that the calcifications truly could be benign, but the radiologist indicated they were very similar to the findings on my first mammogram. There is hope that this is a false alarm and there is hope for a cure if this is for real.

I am scheduled for a biopsy on Tuesday, August 3rd, in Omaha, with Dr. Silva, my surgical oncologist. I am anxiously awaiting his intuition and final diagnosis! Tuesday cannot come fast enough.

Thank-You for all the prayers and well wishes! I will get my boxing gloves back out and I will be ready to fight!

7 comments:

  1. Mary, I can't believe this either. We have been praying for you each and every day (I still wear your bracelet everyday), and hope this is a false alarm. We love you so much and will pray harder than ever. Keep your spirits up and don't give up the fight.
    XOXOXOXO and lots more. Love & lots of prayers, Alice & Randy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mar - I hope you have the boxing gloves back out; they're ready to be put to work tomorrow if need be!! I'm gonna side with Dan this time around. TAKE THE BOOBS!!! You can always rebuild them later!! Give him something to look forward to. ;-) I love you to the moon and back and i'm PISSED that I'm not home for this. I'm so sorry! Good Luck tomorrow! and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL! I love love love you!!

    XOXOXOXOXO
    Lou

    ReplyDelete
  3. I woke up thinking of you today Mary.. G&*#(*#$((#)#) Cword is what I really want to say and know that I'm on the ground throwing a 2yr old tantrum. Dr. AJ is right though - you know nothing for certain. My heart will be with you tomorrow girl. Love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mary,
    I'll devote my Perpetual Adoration hour (10-11 PM) tonight to you and your family to get only good news from the biopsy tomorrow. I love you all so much. Your bracelet is and will remain on my arm. I am asking God to especially talk to your dad because we need him!!! I actually had a dream about him last night, which made me check your site today!! Isn't that interesting? Stay strong and think positive thoughts. I will be a basket case tomorrow for you. Our family will be asking for blessings on yours.
    Aunt jo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good luck, Mary. Sending positive thoughts and will pray for God's angels to hold you close through this ordeal.
    Jane W.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mary, my mom always told me that God never gives us more than we can handle. I know that you have really been put to the test on this one. You are an amazinly strong, beautiful woman and I pray that God gives you the strength to handle whatever comes your way. Trust in the Lord and we will all pray for nothing but good news for you. Keep on fighting.....

    Brenda Kemper

    ReplyDelete
  7. Mary we love you very much and we are all praying so hard for you every day. We pray for you and with you to help you make the decition that is going to kick this in the ass. I told Trey about you the other day and he really wants to come see you, so we may come up for a few min. to see how you are feeling. Keep your chin up and never look down we are all here for you how ever you need us. God only gives up what we can handle and you did once before you can do it again. Fight like a girl. No hair pulling or scratching just kick it in the ass we got your back.

    We all love you and wish you luck,
    Jennifer Holtman and all the
    Holtman family

    ReplyDelete